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Sunday, January 21, 2007

Et Tu, Delta?

Delta misplaced my luggage last night. For reasons known only to them, they decided to send it to Ohio. I won’t get it back until 4:00 today, probably.

Man, I have to admit this cuts me to the bone. I have purposely been flying Delta because they are very good at NOT losing my luggage (unlike some other airlines I could name).

However, I should reflect on the good things…

1) The luggage hasn’t disappeared – they know where it is.

2) At least the sole remaining clothes on my back didn’t end up smelling like stale urine, unlike that time in August that my luggage was lost flying into JFK.

3) Delta apparently pays for clothes while they get you your luggage. My choices were limited to shops in the Pan Pacific Hotel that were open at 10 pm Vancouver time (1 am by my internal clock). So I am now wearing the ugliest jersey I’ve ever seen. In Florida, I’d be arrested for a fashion violation (excluding the jurisdiction of Boca Raton, where bad taste is an art form). This is more my fault than the hotel’s – I’m big with a belly to match, and this shirt is all they had in my size. Well there’s a bright side for you – even more incentive to lose weight.

But that is not the end of this tale of woe. Apparently, some monkeys escaped from the Vancouver Zoo yesterday. I know this because they are in the room next to me. They were bellowing and howling uproariously and obscenely at 10:30 pm Vancouver time last night (1:30 am by my internal clock – did I mention that I’m a morning person?), then they left abruptly. Then they staggered back in at 4 am, local time, apparently dragging a live hippopotamus with them. At least I THINK it was a hippo, because could a normal human make that much noise? It HAD to be a hippo!

I don’t know that they were drunk. They just were shouting at each other at the tops of their lungs, slamming doors in their room, and TALKING LOUDLY in the hallway about buying pot. I think that last part may have been in jest, but with monkeys, who can say?

Also, the hippo was either singing gangster rap songs off-key, or he just likes chanting about “bitches” and “F****ing”! Ah, the hippo … nature’s misogynistic gangster wanna-be.

Security came to knock on the monkeys’ door – twice. I wasn’t the one who called security for the simple reason that I’m a guest in Canada. It’s my experience that Canadians don’t complain about much, and I wasn’t going to get all “ugly American” on them. My next-door neighbors may be monkeys, but they’re Canadian monkeys.

Still, they must be missed at the zoo. If the monkeys are staying another night, it’s time for me to check out.

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